I navigate away from the usual crochet forums, the free pattern sites, the crafty type tutorials, the multitude of crochet ideas online, just long enough to check my email. There, in my inbox is a note from a potential employer!
"We are impressed with your experience and qualifications, but have decided to pursue other candidates."
I give a prayer to God for the Sensitive HR Professional who, obviously, spent hours in his or her stuffy office trying to come up with just the right phrase for Lisa. I imagine him or her with head in hands, furrowed brow, pencil perched behind the ear. Each time they approach the keyboard with an idea, they realize that it just isn't the right method of delivering the bad news. How to tell her? How to tell Lisa that she is so close….she was ALMOST selected, if not for that 'other' person (who will probably show up drunk and high the first day). Lisa is a straight shooter, intelligent and resilient. No meaningless profundity for her, just respectfully say it and move on. She is talented, intelligent, an asset to society – Lisa is a winner. As a Sensitive HR Professional, your job is simply to let her know that you realize that she is a winner and that you know she will be snatched up by some other, wiser, more important Hiring Manager. Wait….wait….here it comes! Yes! Yes! Our Sensitive HR Professional starts typing and knows that he or she has hit the mark with the above sentence; they would be correct. I like it. I think it is classy – it compliments the rejected party, but quickly lays out the rejection. I like it. As it turns out, every one else likes it too because every turn-down letter I receive contains the same sentence.
Another chip at my positive attitude? Another attack on my naïveté? Absolutely not! In these troubled times, I will cling to my naïveté much like Linus clings to his blanket. Even though I KNOW it is naïve, I refuse to accept in my heart what I already know in my head – that people are pretty much turds. In fact, being the true public servant I am, I have decided to help them climb out of the Pit of Turd-dom by providing some models for future employment rejection statements. Each sample has a unique flavor. Sensitive HR Professionals, remember that the key here is tailoring the rejection to the position and the rejected party:
Poetic: "Thou impressed us much and thine heart aches with the misery of these unfortunate proceedings, borne of this sad result, whose roots descend deeper into the soil of the putrid world men have wrought and now must feast upon, as an orphan babe who must feast at the teat of his cruel nurse. Farewell, oh beautiful candidate! May fortune find you well and thine heart shall weep for you oft'!"
Political: "We have thoroughly vetted your application and found your credentials and experience to be admirable, significant, and sincere. You are a credit to the applicant pool. Nevertheless, our staff has pondered the greater interests of our country and all possible scenarios have been reviewed and played out by our staff of experts. It was a difficult decision, one not entered into lightly, a decision that was made after countless hours of review and internal debate. At this time, we feel that the best path for all concerned is to follow other alternatives and pursue a population more inclined to currently hold the training, expertise, and dedication that is so needed in this position in order to achieve an outcome that will reflect positively for the country and rest of the modern world. While we understand that this is a negative development for you, we are optimistic that you will rise above this momentary setback and realize the goals, dreams, and standards that we all hold dear. After all, this is America
Pirate: "Matey, I've a bit of sour rum to share with ye, arggg. The deck is full of better souls, I'se afeerd, so ye fate is the plank. Arrgggg."
Descriptive: "As you entered the grey, cubicle filled chasm for your last interview, a bitter taste of fear in your throat, you heard the sharp clacking of the keyboards, wondering if your next great employment adventure would occur in the colonial blue concrete, fluorescent sun, and soft CPU hum of our headquarters. It's not."
Maternal: "Sweetie, I have some great news for you! You know that job you really didn't want anyway? The one you regretted applying for and wasting all that nasty time traipsing downtown and sitting through those ridiculous interviews? Well, guess what! You don’t have to worry about how you are going to turn down their offer! Isn't that great!? You are so beautiful and smart and lucky!"
Dr. Suess: "Go back to your brickle bush, loser."
Light Hearted: "Ha ha ha ha. Ahhhhahahah! Ha ha ha!"
Religious: "We regret to inform you that God has spoken to us and his choirs of holy angels have told us that your immortal soul is not yet ready for employment with our company. After you cut back on the lying, cheating, and devil worshipping, we welcome you to apply for a position in the mail room. Sign up here for email updates on new opportunities. Good luck in your job search."
Rebellious: "So you think you want to work for 'The Man,' eh? Well, what has 'The Man' ever given you? Repression, that's what! Well, guess what….here is more repression and it is carefully constructed to tear you down and beat you into submission….No job for you! No work for you! No food! No shelter! No dignity! Hope this letter finds you well and good luck on your job search."
A note to Sensitive HR Professionals: These samples are only models on which you can turn for inspiration. In other words, if I find that any of these samples have been copied, Sensitive HR Professionals, I will sue your ass off for copyright infringement. After all, times are rough! Arrrgggg!
I love you, Lisa!
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